Fox Mulder Goes Home in 23 Difficult Steps

Today was the day to take our borrowed ram, Fox Mulder (a.k.a. Muppet) back home to his nice owners.

  1. Get Fox Mulder the Sheep into a small pen, alone.
  2. Three hours later…  Zanimal runs into the house, “Dad said Mulder is destroying the fence!” “Is he escaped?” “No… I don’t know! He just said to tell you.” I run out, and Mulder has escaped, but only to another pen, where his lady friends are hanging out with himI should have known better than to put him alone.  Sheep do hate being alone. 
  3. Figure out another fencing configuration to extract sheep Mulder. Now, it’s time for the nice sheep owners to come and help us. As we have scheduled with them. 
  4. Drive truck out by sheep. Where are the nice sheep owners? 
  5. Text sheep owners:
  6. And then BAH and I argue a lot. Decide to lasso Mulder with a tow rope.
  7. I lasso Mulder, but he is really big and heavy. Mulder is maybe 259 pounds. He runs around and I try to stop him. “Help!” I say as I am dragged around the little barnyard. “Help” “what?” “Help!” “What?” “HELP!” “Well, if you need help, just say help.” Bad Assed Husband is hanging on, too, now. Mulder is still definitely not under control. “HELP!”
  8. Mulder gets out of the lasso. 
  9. I lasso Mulder again. Successfully. That’s me, lassoing a giant ram. 
  10. Somehow, we get him close to the truck. 
  11. We tie the rope to the truck. Mulder is growling. Zanimal is monitoring the fence.
  12. One hoof is in the truck. Mulder is growling. BAH is swearing. I am sweating. 
  13. Two hoofs are in the truck. I’m growling. Mulder is swearing. Zanimal is sweating. 
  14. Three hoofs… not really. Still just two. “He sounds like a horse,” says Zanimal. “I think we’re choking him,” says BAH. “BYRGOKoRgAZOYG!” I scream. I am swearing. Mulder is sweating. BAH is growling.
  15. Four legs in! “He’s in the truck! HE’S IN THE TRUCK!” 
  16. Zanimal and I get into the truck cab. “What if they aren’t home.” Says BAH. “We’ll just drop him off there, at home, just leave him in their yard, regardless,” I say, and I mean it. “I’m not taking this sheep back here again.”
  17. Zanimal and I drive through Mount Horeb with a giant black sheep in the back of our truck. We sing the sheep song. Zanimal texts the nice sheep owners for me.
  18. Zanimal and I drive in the correct direction, but I don’t remember the road. “Is it U?” I ask Zanimal. “What, me?” She answers. “Where do I turn?” I ask. “Here! Turn here! I recognize that building. Do I stink?” “What?” “You said, ‘Is it you?’ And then you touched your nose.” “No, no! The road we’re on! It’s County Highway U!” “Oh! I thought I stank!”
  19. We get there. It is U! They are home! 
  20. They tell us to drop off Mulder the Ram in their front yard, and he’ll find his way to the other sheep on his own. This was actually my joking plan for if they weren’t home. I’m quite surprised that this is actually the real plan for when they are home. 
  21. We open the back door of the cage in the truck. Mulder jumps out. Mulder says, “where are my beautiful lady sheep friends?”  (He says it in sheep. I’m translating, here.) The sheep around back say, “Over here, my love!” (In sheep, again.) Mulder wanders around back. 
  22. A huge gap has been opened in the fence for Mulder to walk through. Mulder sees his lady friends peaking around the corner of the barn and says, “I’m going to show off a bit,” (but he says it in Sheep, of course) and then (surprise!) he jumps over the closed part of the fence and joins his lady friends. 
  23. Zanimal and I drive off into the sunset. Our job here is done.
Shoshanah Marohn
Shoshanah Lee Marohn is a writer and illustrator whose books include the recent children's book, "Murgatroyd Buttercups," the almost-best-selling "Birds in Beards Coloring Book," and the notorious "Avoiding Sex with Frenchmen."

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