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Revamping the Red Cross

Vampire Mandala

The Status Quo

When I go to the Red Cross and give blood regularly (you’re welcome, hundreds of people whose lives I’ve saved!) they are like super nice.

Sometimes, they give you cookies– not just a few cookies, I mean, like 120 cookies that you can put out at your Holiday Market Party. And that’s nice. It is. It’s really, really nice. But, I don’t know. I mean, I know I’m being nice when I give blood. I know I’m being a good person with that and all. They say “thank you” a lot. They are swell people, and that should be enough. I mean, it is. It’s enough to do a good deed. It’s just… it could be more fun.

Improvements for the American Red Cross

  • Instead of calling me and saying “the need is great,” what if the Red Cross sent me a telegram with a red skull and crossbones indicating that it was time for me to come?
  • Instead of driving myself there, what if a hearse pulled by three black horses came to my front door, driven by a large white man who never spoke, only motioned with his strangely stiff hand for me to get in?
  • What if it weren’t in a nondescript building, but in a gothic mansion in a part of town that you never realized was there, because it was always enshrouded in fog?
  • What if the people who greeted me were dressed all in black, eighteenth century evening garb?
  • What if there was a basket at the door where you had to leave your cross necklaces and garlic candies?
  • What if the questions were asked in a Transylvanian (or Pittsburgh, Pennsylvanian [just as weird]) accent, with seductively raised eyebrows at key points?
  • What if there were bats in the belfry?
  • What is a belfry?

In Conclusion

I like vampires. I do hope the American Red Cross considers my questions to them. Also, a serious suggestion: When I am done giving blood, while I am sitting there drinking my juice for fifteen minutes, ask me to schedule my next appointment before I go. The Red Cross could be like the dentist. Also, another serious suggestion: Will you give blood? Because they VANT YOUR BLUD! Or, you know, they probably want to “save someone’s life” or some such junk.



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