The Status Quo
When I go to the Red Cross and give blood regularly (you’re welcome, hundreds of people whose lives I’ve saved!) they are like super nice.
Sometimes, they give you cookies– not just a few cookies, I mean, like 120 cookies that you can put out at your Holiday Market Party. And that’s nice. It is. It’s really, really nice. But, I don’t know. I mean, I know I’m being nice when I give blood. I know I’m being a good person with that and all. They say “thank you” a lot. They are swell people, and that should be enough. I mean, it is. It’s enough to do a good deed. It’s just… it could be more fun.
Improvements for the American Red Cross
- Instead of calling me and saying “the need is great,” what if the Red Cross sent me a telegram with a red skull and crossbones indicating that it was time for me to come?
- Instead of driving myself there, what if a hearse pulled by three black horses came to my front door, driven by a large white man who never spoke, only motioned with his strangely stiff hand for me to get in?
- What if it weren’t in a nondescript building, but in a gothic mansion in a part of town that you never realized was there, because it was always enshrouded in fog?
- What if the people who greeted me were dressed all in black, eighteenth century evening garb?
- What if there was a basket at the door where you had to leave your cross necklaces and garlic candies?
- What if the questions were asked in a Transylvanian (or Pittsburgh, Pennsylvanian [just as weird]) accent, with seductively raised eyebrows at key points?
- What if there were bats in the belfry?
- What is a belfry?
I like vampires. I do hope the American Red Cross considers my questions to them. Also, a serious suggestion: When I am done giving blood, while I am sitting there drinking my juice for fifteen minutes, ask me to schedule my next appointment before I go. The Red Cross could be like the dentist. Also, another serious suggestion: Will you give blood? Because they VANT YOUR BLUD! Or, you know, they probably want to “save someone’s life” or some such junk.
*Members of Artsy Fartsy Coloring AND Colouring (a Facebook Group) get a PDF copy of Morbid Mandalas for free, just for being in the group! To join us, hop into the horse drawn hearse that just pulled up to your front door. Make sure and bring your coloring AND colouring supplies! Once you get to Facebook Town, you might be staying there for a wee bit longer than you intended…
**Donators to my Patreon get a creepy postcard from me each month! Try it out. It’s fuuuuuun. (Imagine Bela Lugosi saying that.) Fuuuuuuun. Eeeet’s fuuuuuun.