Today’s comic is Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt.
I’m working on the next coloring book- trolls! They are all based the real troll sculptures in Mount Horeb. Feel free to print this one and color it, or share it with friends.
Side note: Professor Batty came to visit a few months ago, and we went to the Cat and Crow together (the yarn shop where this wool sculpture of a troll stands). He introduced himself as “Shoshanah’s internet stalker.” Melissa and Rebecca seemed amused. Professor Batty then said that he had purchased a skein of yarn in their shop there, years ago.
“Oh, thank goodness,” said Melissa. “We would have gone out of business, without that.”
I’m a sucker for all of these articles on line with titles like, “How to Live On Purpose and Maximize Every Day” or “How to Live Life on Your Own Terms” or “How to Maximize Your Pickle Production.” ( Maybe not so much the last one, actually.) and then I listen to this podcast sometimes, “Happier with Gretchen Ruben” which is supposedly supposed to make you happy, but really I think it might better be titled, “Life Hacks for the Filthy Rich.” I get that the little tips make you happier- if you have no problems whatsoever in life.
And from all of these articles and podcasts I’m a sucker for, I learn things like,
- Get a good night’s sleep every night.
- Eat vegetables.
- Marry the person you love.
- Fast one day a week.
- Exercise regularly.
- Decluttering your house.
- Don’t take on more than you can handle.
And that’s not even mentioning all of the parenting “tips.” (Does anyone else feel like all of these “tips” are pretty much mandatory? It’s the implied, “If you don’t do this, you are a terrible parent.”)
I don’t know why I read all of these things. I never change my behavior at all. I just now have some stupid know-it-all thing to say with my friends,
“Did you know kale prevents cancer?”
Everyone knows eating kale prevents cancer, but my friends are too polite to say so. Everyone knows kale prevents cancer, but here’s the catch: to prevent cancer? You have to actually eat the kale.
I read all this stuff, and then I look around me. Most people are overweight. There’s an opioid epidemic. Everyone’s stressed out. We’re not eating the kale. We’re not getting the sleep. We’re living in piles of junk mail and chicken catalogues. But, you know what? We’re getting by. We’re doing it. We’re living it, one day at a time.
We’re not perfect, but we’re beautiful. And we’re still here. Showing up, every day. Like the troopers we are.
I’m going to stop reading those articles and listening to that perfect happiness podcast. John Lennon was right.
I’m going to make a competing podcast to steal the audience from “Happier with Gretchen Ruben.” I’m going to call it, “Fartier with Shoshanah Marohn,” and it’ll be about making beans.
“Whatever gets you through your life,” as John Lennon would say. Beans are good at that.
Today was the day to take our borrowed ram, Fox Mulder (a.k.a. Muppet) back home to his nice owners.
- Get Fox Mulder the Sheep into a small pen, alone.
- Three hours later… Zanimal runs into the house, “Dad said Mulder is destroying the fence!” “Is he escaped?” “No… I don’t know! He just said to tell you.” I run out, and Mulder has escaped, but only to another pen, where his lady friends are hanging out with himI should have known better than to put him alone. Sheep do hate being alone.
- Figure out another fencing configuration to extract sheep Mulder. Now, it’s time for the nice sheep owners to come and help us. As we have scheduled with them.
- Drive truck out by sheep. Where are the nice sheep owners?
- Text sheep owners:
- And then BAH and I argue a lot. Decide to lasso Mulder with a tow rope.
- I lasso Mulder, but he is really big and heavy. Mulder is maybe 259 pounds. He runs around and I try to stop him. “Help!” I say as I am dragged around the little barnyard. “Help” “what?” “Help!” “What?” “HELP!” “Well, if you need help, just say help.” Bad Assed Husband is hanging on, too, now. Mulder is still definitely not under control. “HELP!”
- Mulder gets out of the lasso.
- I lasso Mulder again. Successfully. That’s me, lassoing a giant ram.
- Somehow, we get him close to the truck.
- We tie the rope to the truck. Mulder is growling. Zanimal is monitoring the fence.
- One hoof is in the truck. Mulder is growling. BAH is swearing. I am sweating.
- Two hoofs are in the truck. I’m growling. Mulder is swearing. Zanimal is sweating.
- Three hoofs… not really. Still just two. “He sounds like a horse,” says Zanimal. “I think we’re choking him,” says BAH. “BYRGOKoRgAZOYG!” I scream. I am swearing. Mulder is sweating. BAH is growling.
- Four legs in! “He’s in the truck! HE’S IN THE TRUCK!”
- Zanimal and I get into the truck cab. “What if they aren’t home.” Says BAH. “We’ll just drop him off there, at home, just leave him in their yard, regardless,” I say, and I mean it. “I’m not taking this sheep back here again.”
- Zanimal and I drive through Mount Horeb with a giant black sheep in the back of our truck. We sing the sheep song. Zanimal texts the nice sheep owners for me.
- Zanimal and I drive in the correct direction, but I don’t remember the road. “Is it U?” I ask Zanimal. “What, me?” She answers. “Where do I turn?” I ask. “Here! Turn here! I recognize that building. Do I stink?” “What?” “You said, ‘Is it you?’ And then you touched your nose.” “No, no! The road we’re on! It’s County Highway U!” “Oh! I thought I stank!”
- We get there. It is U! They are home!
- They tell us to drop off Mulder the Ram in their front yard, and he’ll find his way to the other sheep on his own. This was actually my joking plan for if they weren’t home. I’m quite surprised that this is actually the real plan for when they are home.
- We open the back door of the cage in the truck. Mulder jumps out. Mulder says, “where are my beautiful lady sheep friends?” (He says it in sheep. I’m translating, here.) The sheep around back say, “Over here, my love!” (In sheep, again.) Mulder wanders around back.
- A huge gap has been opened in the fence for Mulder to walk through. Mulder sees his lady friends peaking around the corner of the barn and says, “I’m going to show off a bit,” (but he says it in Sheep, of course) and then (surprise!) he jumps over the closed part of the fence and joins his lady friends.
- Zanimal and I drive off into the sunset. Our job here is done.
Jill won the contest.
“What’s your favorite animal?” I asked Jill.
“I am obsessed with Alice in Wonderland, so maybe a Chesire cat, or white rabbit, would be very cool.”
I drew Jill as the Mad Hatter:
If you want to win a contest and have your portrait drawn, please join my coloring group, Artsy Fartsy Coloring with Shoshanah Marohn.
Update: she colored it and it’s so cool!
Join the Artsy Fartsy Coloring with Shoshanah Marohn group on Facebook, and YOU, TOO CAN BE A WINNER!
YES, I DID FORGET WHO I WAS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS. So what?
Congratulations to Jill.
Eighteen years ago today, Bad Ass Husband and I were planning on getting married, but we couldn’t, because we were both deadly ill with food poisoning from eating ice cream at the gas station in Westcliff, CO. Zanimal made the commemorative cake, this year. I think she did a nice job. It looks like puke. And ice cream. At the same time!